hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
