dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
