I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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