Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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