i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
