I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize