your parents love me but you hate me
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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