I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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