Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
