I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
