He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
