Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
