I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
