she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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