JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
