my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
