Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
