I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
