I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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