spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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