I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
