Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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