true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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