I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
