Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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