I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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