You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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