New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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