I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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