please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
