That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
