She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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