my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
