if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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