the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
