I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
