he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
