advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
