3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
