Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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