dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
