There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
