But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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