oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
