what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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