I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
