I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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