Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
