So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
