so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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