Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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