I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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