I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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