if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
