just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
the liver wants what the liver wants
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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