a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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