my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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